Darkness is my sacred gift: A reclamation of the self that never left
The unfathomable pain of doing it all “right”… and still feeling lost
Have you ever wondered what you can do with that deep intensity inside you?
Have you questioned yourself – why do I feel stuck even though I’ve done everything by-the-book?
Despite all “the work”, how come I still don’t trust myself?
These are all legitimate questions that so often can leave us feeling vulnerable – like we’ve done what we could and it’s not enough. Like we failed, somehow, yet again. The shame creeps in and the rage masks it – or is it the other way around? No matter.
What they called pathology was actually my body’s intelligence
Much like you, I’ve tried desperately to hide from the depths of my darkness. I didn’t trust it, because I didn’t know how. In fact, much like you, I was terrified of it. I could feel how different I was from my friends and family, and I had no idea how to contextualize it.
Much like you, I confidently concluded there was something wrong with me. So I set on a path to discover what that was. The world had a lot to say about that – thyroid disorder, IBS, borderline personality disorder, depression, anxiety. Never mind all that – it’s definitely bipolar type II. Maybe SIBO – let’s medicate you for it all, just in case.
Well, if I was going to be on drugs anyway, I might as well be on the fun kind… it started with weed and it adventured into alcohol, cocaine, MDMA and random pills from random guys at a random Dubstep outdoor concert (anyone else remember that noise?). And if I’m going to be taking random pills, well then I might as well be having random encounters with relatively random people!
For a moment, it was fun. And for a decade, it was hell.
What initially quieted the noise in my head and the pain in my body became the inescapable pain. Addiction is no fun, but it is a brilliant coping strategy…
Addiction is a survival, problem-solving strategy but it is not an identity. Much like Louise LeBrun describes in this audio from the Decloaking and Living Authentically audio files, I found myself in a similar situation in my last NA meeting — “Hi, I’m Stela and I am NOT an addict” came out of my mouth. The problem was, that was against the rules. So instead of being met with curiosity I was met with shunning. No intimacy in that room…
The psychiatric system didn’t save me—it brutalized me further
In my journey of self-discovery, I was frequently disappointed. I would go to the doctor who would tell me to go to the counselor, who would refer me to the psychologist, who would send me back to the doctor, who would refer me to the psychiatrist, who then involuntarily locked me in to the most degrading place I have ever spent a full 72 hours of my life in – a psychiatric unit. You want to see people treated like they’re worthless? Visit the psychiatric unit.
If I wanted to die badly before that, I was desperate for sweet relief after that.
But I didn’t die – I chose the path that led me to where I am today.
Yoga, mediation, retreats, CBT, NA, Refuge Recovery, endless self-help books and YouTube videos eventually led me to the life-altering work of Louise LeBrun, the body of wisdom called The WEL-Systems®Institute.
This was what I had been searching for my whole life! Why? Because it paved the way for me to, first, know that there’s nothing wrong with me – everything I was feeling was an intelligent response to protect me. The problem is that I outgrew the context where danger was present, but I had not integrated the habituated process.
And that, dear reader, is the truth for all of us.
When you and I are born, we are born into a particular set of parents, within a particular family unit, within a particular religion, within a particular culture with its own set of presupposed fixed beliefs, values and attitudes that are presented to us as #facts.
Theta state and the making of your identity
Now, the problem here is that before the age of 7, you and I all operate in theta brainwave state. If you don’t know what that is, here’s a summary (and notice the metaphors, if you will): deep relaxation, imagination, highly suggestible, dream-like state. In other words, children of this age group are not only highly imaginative, but they deeply absorb their environment as they are operating from the subconscious.
What does that mean? Well, it means that this is the age we can imprint beliefs, values and attitudes without critical thinking. This is why early childhood experiences are so influential—they bypass logic and go straight into the subconscious operating system. In other words “give me a child until he’s seven and I’ll show you the man”. Pavlov’s conditioning – you can teach children to believe anything because they do not have the necessary filters to differentiate truth from bulshit.
They cannot protect themselves.
But what they can do is develop intelligent protective strategies that allow them to tolerate their environment. For me, having been born in Communist Albania (and all that that implies), as a first born daughter to my newlywed parents, I developed that familiar strategy all first born daughters know – family hero. That means I wanted to save the world! But what it really means is I wanted to save my mother. So….what it really reeeeeally means is that I needed to feel protected, cherished, nourished, adored, chosen.
When I didn’t.
Curious about your survival strategy you picked up growing up? Find out what it is with this quiz. Then lean in for what to do about it in the email series that follows.
My whole life this undercurrent of being abandoned had been running through my veins (drugs helped soothe it). Another of being misunderstood. A whiff of constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. So I compensated by doing everything right. And it was never enough – there’s another one. Somehow though, I still made myself smaller because I was simultaneously too much.
That, dear reader, is the power of the cultural coma we install on our children because we have not integrated the pain of it for ourselves. The more I’ve integrated for myself, the more I see this time and again – history repeating itself, generation after generation. Violence replicated, shame internalized, the process of capitulation normalized. Hiding the truth because…whatever.
Darkness as the gateway to your truth—not your downfall
I write a lot to stay: I know darkness intimately. I know where it comes from. I know what it means. I know when you’re trying to hide it. I know why. I know where. I know when. I know darkness.
I also know Darkness. If you’re familiar with the life-altering explorations that are only available in a WEL-Systems context (and a few people unfortunately do), you know that darkness below the choice point is pain. Darkness above the choice point is rebirth. It is freedom. It is fecund. It is ripe with possibility. It is the deep ‘feminine’. It is the crucible. It is birther of light.
It is permission.
To be the wholeness of who we are, by choice.
You see, the Force of Darkness can become the most illuminating space when we learn to trust the wholeness that lives inside of us. The way to trust? It is not insight – it is integration.
CODE Model Coaching™ does not provide us with content to appease the intellect – it provides us with a framework to integrate our truth. You know that which you fear? That’s the key to freedom. But it’s not like you can go there aimlessly – you need a process.
And that is what is missing from the vast majority of “the work” out there. A process to help us trust, fully and wholeheartedly, that our body has got this. Because the body is designed to process information in flow – the intellect is designed to make a conscious choice after the body is done processing.
Can you ever think of a time you tried to make an intelligent choice when your body was screaming at you? It’s not you – it simply is not possible. Because you cannot open a new window while the harddrive is still processing. You cannot mindfully choose when your body is steeped in fear / rage / outrage / despair / uncertainty / resourcelessness / etc.
But you can be with the information differently to discover its intelligence. Quantum TLC™ is the how. The CODE Model is the framework for inquiry – in other words, when you don’t know what you don’t know about what’s happening in your life, The CODE Model helps you decipher that so that the wave of information moves and you engage Quantum TLC (the how) to integrate the message of Truth that is moving though your body.
Here’s how CODE Model Coaching could help you, by Louise LeBrun. Listen to what makes it different.
The alternative? Tap your way through it. Talk your way through it. Yoga your way through it. Distract your way through it. Smoke your way through it. Therapy your way through it. Drug your way through it. Fuck your way through it – hey, who am I to judge?!
Deny, defend, distort, dismiss = the ways we are taught (culturally conditioned / programmed) to deal with our internal cues. And by “internal cues” I mean The Truth that our body knows but our cultural conditioning fights so freaking hard to NOT know. You know?
It’s fucking exhausting. Depleting. Debilitating.
And not useful.
Because no matter how much of any of the above you do, if you do not intentionally shift the habituated patterns that you normalized while in that theta brainwave state between 0 - 7 (most of which you don’t even remember, by the way – but your body does, because it’s been there the. whole. damn. time.), it will continue to run the show of your life, and you will continue to feel the familiar feeling of ‘defeated’. It’s not you – it’s the process. It’s the way patterns replicate. It’s the fractal nature of habits. It’s the sure-bet of cultural conditioning – that humans will repeat that which they know, because it feels safer than that which they don’t know. It’s how the nervous system works.
Your nervous system isn’t broken—it’s brilliant
But. And this is a biiiiiiiig but. The nervous system is incredible in its capacity to change trajectories in a nanosecond. That’s the power of engaging Quantum TLC instead of the habit – what’s your habituated way of responding, anyway?
Your nervous system can process information at unfathomable speeds. It can transform trauma you’ve been holding on to for years in a single, mindful, intentional breath. The trick is to know how to breathe so it feels safe to be in your body and not abandon-ship… enter: Quantum TLC.
Here’s the bottom line – whatever you choose, it’s your life. All I know is what’s possible. Not for some self-proclaimed enlightened guru in the mountains of Tibet or some cult leader teaching kundalini, not even for priests and monks and “men of god” – but for you and I, right here, right now. On this planet. In this lifetime. At this exact moment…
The question becomes: will you choose to engage despite the fear and story and voices that say otherwise?
Integration is not a concept—it’s a process
That is the question: to engage, or not to engage?
I’m in camp – always engage. And the evidence of does that work? Well, the quality of my life…
The WEL-Systems way of life has given me permission to finally integrate the full measure of my Truth: Darkness is my sacred gift. Darkness is what allows me to be so effective at my work. To be present to the unthinkable and not be shook up by it. To bear witness to the magic of transformation that only Darkness can reveal. To trust the process wholeheartedly and unwaveringly — no matter what.
Final thoughts — Darkness is provocative. By it’s very nature it provokes us into questioning, and in a world where safety lives in knowing, questioning and curiosity become a threat. But here’s what I’m crystal clear about — without provocation of the assumed truth, all you are left with with everything you’ve ever known from your past. It’s not a bad thing or a wrong thing, it’s simply a matter of how’s that working for ya?!
The evidence in my life has shown me that if we do not dare to take the journey into the depths of our Being, we are merely skimming the surface of living … and I don’t know about you, but for me, that’s simply not enough. I am here to live Fully Alive. And to invite you to walk the path of evolution by intention with me …
The good, the bad, and the ugly — it’s all welcome. It’s all intelligence. It’s all the truth. When you’re ready to integrate it, I am here.
For those who want a deeper of understanding of Darkness, I invite you to just listen to this piece Louise LeBrun, the founder of the WEL-Systems Institute, shared with me. As you listen, pay particular attention to the state of your body … write the key words that come up for you, where you feel in your body, and remember to breathe deeply with your attention at the base of your spine. You got this!
📰 Want to delve deeper into my writing around darkness? Here’s what I’ve got:
What darkness reveals is the wisdom of living (an old time favourite)
Material illusions don’t seduce me (poem)
Rebirth into mySelf (blog)
Make humanity sacred again (poem)
I am not a therapist, I am a CODE Model Coach, here’s how it’s different (blog)
A free resource: Women Awakening audio series
If you’ve spent years taking care of everyone else, it can be hard to know how to turn that attention inward — or even where to begin.
The Women Awakening audio series offers you that starting point.
A classic from the WEL-Systems® body of work, this 6-part audio experience is an invitation to see yourself differently. To step into a process that reconnects you with the truth of your own experience, through the intelligence of your body.
“There is no process without the body. Thought is not enough.”
— Louise LeBrun
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Are you ready to break free from your habituated patterns and discover how to align with your truth?
Here are two free email courses for you to dive into:
👉The Boundaries Bootcamp: Building a Stronger Self
Ready to dive deeper in conversation?
I’m Stela Murrizi, and I work with women who feel too much, think too deeply, and carry a silent ache that something’s missing. Here, we don’t shy away from that ache—we turn toward it. Through the body-led, science-backed process taught by the WEL-Systems Institute that’s been evolving for over 30 years, we explore the places culture taught you to avoid—so you can remember who you are and reclaim how you live.
